We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.