you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
