you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're making bets on your personal life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I intend to get homeless drunk
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.