if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she peed on how many people?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating