He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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