do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.