how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
