I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"