The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn