In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon