she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him