i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.