Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
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Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.