a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
