is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there