He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.