Texts From Last Night

jonyco5's Favorites Texts:

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  (315): View more from New York

  He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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  (315): He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like. http://tfl.nu/nq61
  Replies (6) Good night (760) Bad night (2796)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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  (267): Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays http://tfl.nu/fevr
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2

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  (703): he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2 http://tfl.nu/k675
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
  Replies (17) Good night (4858) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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  (540): casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks? http://tfl.nu/0uf1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  we turned his baptism video into a drinking game

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  (425): we turned his baptism video into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/gtee
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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  (412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life http://tfl.nu/5boh
  Replies (6) Good night (2495) Bad night (1106) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
  Replies (10) Good night (3962) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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  (706): Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note http://tfl.nu/2uyq
  Replies (5) Good night (3802) Bad night (465)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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  (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code. http://tfl.nu/hjm4
  Replies (26) Good night (3985) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (23963) Bad night (1287)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues

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  (954): I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues http://tfl.nu/8qyh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
  Replies (28) Good night (7489) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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  (407): I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down. http://tfl.nu/6857
  Replies (5) Good night (2604) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

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  (301): Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background. http://tfl.nu/pa5j
  Replies (23) Good night (5332) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"

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  (407): So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur" http://tfl.nu/dru1
  Replies (12) Good night (1341) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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  (425): I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool. (1-425): No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes. http://tfl.nu/wqbv
  Replies (2) Good night (2074) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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  (508): Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one. http://tfl.nu/qdhb
  Replies (17) Good night (3604) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
  Replies (28) Good night (12525) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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  (303): wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil http://tfl.nu/oyvg
  Replies (19) Good night (8261) Bad night (1554) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
  Replies (24) Good night (17224) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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  (305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere. http://tfl.nu/rhba
  Replies (22) Good night (938) Bad night (6334) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
  Replies (36) Good night (20429) Bad night (2646) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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  (703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. http://tfl.nu/y4qo
  Replies (24) Good night (4935) Bad night (732)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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  (815): Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. http://tfl.nu/ev5h
  Replies (5) Good night (4923) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
  Replies (46) Good night (4639) Bad night (993)
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  (914): View more from New York

  hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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  (914): hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early http://tfl.nu/k8sh
  Replies (9) Good night (2627) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"

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  (858): last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian" http://tfl.nu/bnai
  Replies (42) Good night (5801) Bad night (595)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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  (713): I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima (832): I wanted to see November 5, 1985 http://tfl.nu/o133
  Replies (19) Good night (3814) Bad night (381)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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  (434): NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup. http://tfl.nu/qouj
  Replies (20) Good night (6379) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong

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  (516): There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong http://tfl.nu/4bke
  Replies (136) Good night (3798) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (619): View more from California

  He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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  (619): He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/6dyk
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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  (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. http://tfl.nu/wbxh
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  how drunk are you?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  What does that even mean anymore?

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  (612): how drunk are you? (952): What does that even mean anymore? http://tfl.nu/4vkm
  Replies (10) Good night (4833) Bad night (465)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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  (231): I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk. http://tfl.nu/qjr2
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  (914): View more from New York

  My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.

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  (914): My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control. http://tfl.nu/45m8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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  (412): we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later http://tfl.nu/u7bo
  Replies (24) Good night (5841) Bad night (523)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
  Replies (160) Good night (30494) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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  (401): After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple http://tfl.nu/1d3q
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.

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  (865): You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce. http://tfl.nu/u88l
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