I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.