Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted