the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
