Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.