bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt know i had herpes?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries