judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward