We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.