He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.