You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
