I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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