high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dignity is for republicans.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.