U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
