I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section