Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.