she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
