I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"