i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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