apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he fucked my hip out of place.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life