I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me