I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.