someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.