she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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