You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now