dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I need water and some morals
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
