I stole a fireplace last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dating After Heartbreak
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am