I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.