We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.