wake up i wanna do it froggy style
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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