I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you