We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.