I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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