So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
