i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
