Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"