You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.