I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.