i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
